Thursday, 6 December 2012
Trying to mend.
I've got my (hopefully) final blood test today, and then I just need to do a pregnancy test in 7days and the EPU (early pregnancy unit) will discharge me from their care. I feel less fragile this morning, but still out of sorts, I'm almost trying to block it out. Looking in the mirror I feel I've aged about 10years over the weekend, I look pale and exhausted. Physically my tummy is still uncomfortable, and apparently the bleeding will continue for about two weeks, though I remember from last time it went on a bit longer than that and they still deemed it 'normal'. I had a disturbed nights sleep, and at some point half awake I managed to kick the wall during a dream and my poor big toe took the brunt of the force so I'm hobbling around this morning. Somehow I think my chances of wearing pretty strappy shoes this Christmas just went out the window as my toe nail is not looking pretty and my toe is puffy!
Mentally, I'm going through stages of wondering why I had to wait from Saturday until Tuesday for a scan. Why I didn't see anyone from EPU until Monday? Why she told me I had an appointment for Tuesday, but when I arrived there was no appointment? I was just an emergency and they called the on-call Doctor to perform the scan, who was mildly amazed that I'd not been scanned before. Is this normal? I know it wouldn't have changed the course of events, the miscarriage would have happened anyway, but I can't help but wonder if mentally it would have been less disturbing if I'd known Monday and had been prepared for what was to come on Monday afternoon/evening. I'm thankful that my body did what it needed to (however horrific) as I don't think I could have faced the idea of a general anaesthetic and a D&C.
Mr G has gone back to work today, I'm hoping I manage to hold it together during the school run and hospital visit, if I can do that the mending is under way. I hate feeling weak, I hate crying in public, I remind myself that there will be another chance for a new addition, this just wasn't meant to be this time. I look at my two beautiful boys and thank heaven for them. I just wish my hormones would settle down, and then I'd have at least a little control over my emotions! Life has to go on, it feels like it is a lonely road, but support is out there, the miscarriage association friends (whether 'real' or on-line), for me my on-line friends and my family are being the best support ever - so thank you all x