Thursday, 22 March 2012

How not to cook..

When I mentioned to Mr G that I was going to write a post about my domestic capabilities, I was expecting him to suggest I was similar to Nigella Lawson, or Kirstie Allsopp. You see, I have visions of myself as a domestic goddess, there is nothing I like more than the image of winning first prize at the country show with my Victoria Sponge cake...however..anyone who has had the misfortune to taste one of my Victoria Sponge cakes will tell you it is more sea sponge than sponge cake. So, Mr G suggested sharing my domestic disasters may be more appropriate, and no doubt more hilarious to read.

So baking is not my strong point, in fact cooking as a whole is often a challenging experience and I end up using every saucepan, plate, fork and spoon just to create something as simple as scrambled eggs! (Does anyone else do that or is it just a Goriami thing?) The first meal with your relatives is always a special one, and as Mr G's nephew was coming to visit, I wanted to make a good impression. You know, be the one who can cook who's with Mr G, rather than the one who presents a microwave meal still in its tray. I set about cooking what I hoped would be a Chinese banquet, including special fried rice and Crispy Duck with pancakes...well, i like a challenge!

Having absolutely no common sense, I worked out the timing for the special fried rice, but not the duck. I decided, in my infinite wisdom, that if I can order a Chinese takeaway to collect in 20minutes, duck and pancakes must take about the same time as special fried rice, right? WRONG! As I stood in the kitchen peering in the oven (quietly wondering why the duck was still looking fairly raw) I come up with the genius idea to just turn the oven up, that will make it cook faster, right? I decided to go and sip wine while I waited, thinking to myself this cooking thing is just as easy as a takeaway...Oh how wrong I was! Before I knew it, there was smoke billowing through the kitchen, the rice was stuck to the wok, the oven spilling out black smoke which stung my eyes and made me cough, Mr G dashed in armed with a small fire extinguisher (totally unnecessary of course..) and I start to cry as I realise that the duck was more than crispy, it was utterly frazzled on the outside and undoubtedly still raw on the inside! 

On the plus side, I didn't poison anyone, as the duck was so frazzled I didn't attempt to rescue it.. but..I did do something wicked which I will now confess to.. In order to save face, I called the local takeaway and passed it off as my own cooking. Yes I confess, I am a fraud, I have no idea how to cook anything remotely resembling a Chinese banquet.



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